Randomness

So much has been happening since I last posted. So far I haven't been too good at all of this. One day I am going to be very upset with myself for not recording everything for my kids. My new goal is to be better at this. Let's see where should I even begin? I guess I should say that I really do have the best family ever. I had to have my gall bladder taken out a few weeks ago. My poor family has been through soo much with my health lately. Three surgeries in six months is just a lot to deal with. My parents came and took the kids from friday till monday. They came thursday night to stay the night and see me off. Lucy went up to my mom and said, "Grandma, would you mind sleeping on the couch so that I can sleep with grandpa?" Of course, I got upset with her for asking that and my mom said it was ok. So she slept in the living room and Philip, Ellie and Maggee made a bed on the living room floor and slept out there with her. Lucy and Grandpa got the guest bedroom all to theirselves.

It was nice coming home to a quiet house after surgery and have tyler all to myself. Tyler takes such good care of me. He just knows what to do. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Of course he wasn't too sad to have my drugged up all weekend so he could watch as much march madness as he wanted. The kids call every night. We didn't call them once. They beat us to it every day. It touches me so much when I can hear in their voices how concerned they are for me.

The kids are all growing up soo much. It is really hitting me lately how much they are all changing. Lucy informed Tyler and I yesterday that she is ready for her own room and a big bed. Now I know Lucy should not be sleeping in our room anymore but I just don't want to let her go. It's like if I do...I am forever saying goodbye to babies even though I know she isn't a baby anymore. Heck she isn't even a toddler anymore. Philip is starting the preteen hormones. Ellie and Maggee are turning into little women. They are wanting to shop all the time. Which of course I totally love that.

I really am afraid that I am not being the kind of mom that I need to be. These kids deserve to thave the best mom in the world and frankly I know I am not always the nicest to them that I should be. This is something that I really need to change and I am very ashamed about. Philip deserves so much more praise than I give him. I fear that I don't know how to relate to him and that is why I am more calm with the girls. He does not deserve it and it is somethig that only I can change. He has such a special spirit and I am afraid that I am damaging it. I know what I need to do to change these things about me but I am just so lazy and keep puting it off. I need to pull myself out of this rut I have gotten into since I had my shunt put in. I just don't know how to push myself anymore. I haven't been reading my scriptures or praying and I know that that is majorly bringing me down.

ok so on to more brighter things. Today Tyler is turning 35. I keep teasing him that he is getting old. We have actually been celebrating it for a few days now. We had an easter egg hunt last saturday at Karols and we had a birthday cake for him. On sunday we were at my parents for conference weekend and she also gave him a birthday cake. He took yesterday off and I took him to Tucanos for dinner and then we went shopping afterwords. karol and Lee came with us. So today the kids are going to make him dinner and some sort of desert (I haven't decided yet). Robert and Jayne will also come over and celebrate with us.

All in all my life is pretty good right now. If I am unhappy I know it is my fault. I couldn't be blessed with a better husband or children and they certainly deserve better than what I have given them....but I will continue to try to do my best.

New Me

I don't know how else to really say it other than I am soo depressed right now. I hate my body (way fat now). This disease has totally changed me inside and out. I know that alot of this is just something I need to overcome myself. I admit that I don't pray as much as I should and I don't read the scriptures as much as I should and this is part of my problem. Everyday I tell myself that I need to pray and read. So why don't I do it? I know, I know, it is all laziness on my part. I have been telling myself over and over to not eat the sugar cause when I don't I feel so much better. So why do I constantly run to it when I am having a bad day knowing exactly how I am going to feel after I eat it. So here it goes....I really am going to do it. Read my scriptures everyday, pray everyday, and try my hardest to stay away from the sugar. I need to get this weight off. I know that if I lost the weight I would also have an easier time with this shunt and how the tube is moving around in me. I am embarrassed to go out with any friends (although I do) because of the way I look. I am so greatful that I have such wonderful friends in my life without whome I would be no where today.

Life will get easier, I just have to make it happen. I really thought doing this blog would be theraputic for me but so far I haven't done to well at it. I think about it all the time but then laziness creeps in and I say I will for sure do it another day. This year I am going to work on myself the best I can. There are so many thing right now that I need to change that it does seem over whelming when I think of all of them. So I just need to start it slowly. Definitely prayers and scriptures are top on the list along with eating healthy.

Now I really have to do this and not just say I am going to do it. So that is why I am documenting it here. I never really write down goals so I am hoping that if it is on here I will be more motivated into making the changes I want to make. So....I am wishing myself good luck!