So much has been happening since I last posted. So far I haven't been too good at all of this. One day I am going to be very upset with myself for not recording everything for my kids. My new goal is to be better at this. Let's see where should I even begin? I guess I should say that I really do have the best family ever. I had to have my gall bladder taken out a few weeks ago. My poor family has been through soo much with my health lately. Three surgeries in six months is just a lot to deal with. My parents came and took the kids from friday till monday. They came thursday night to stay the night and see me off. Lucy went up to my mom and said, "Grandma, would you mind sleeping on the couch so that I can sleep with grandpa?" Of course, I got upset with her for asking that and my mom said it was ok. So she slept in the living room and Philip, Ellie and Maggee made a bed on the living room floor and slept out there with her. Lucy and Grandpa got the guest bedroom all to theirselves.
It was nice coming home to a quiet house after surgery and have tyler all to myself. Tyler takes such good care of me. He just knows what to do. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Of course he wasn't too sad to have my drugged up all weekend so he could watch as much march madness as he wanted. The kids call every night. We didn't call them once. They beat us to it every day. It touches me so much when I can hear in their voices how concerned they are for me.
The kids are all growing up soo much. It is really hitting me lately how much they are all changing. Lucy informed Tyler and I yesterday that she is ready for her own room and a big bed. Now I know Lucy should not be sleeping in our room anymore but I just don't want to let her go. It's like if I do...I am forever saying goodbye to babies even though I know she isn't a baby anymore. Heck she isn't even a toddler anymore. Philip is starting the preteen hormones. Ellie and Maggee are turning into little women. They are wanting to shop all the time. Which of course I totally love that.
I really am afraid that I am not being the kind of mom that I need to be. These kids deserve to thave the best mom in the world and frankly I know I am not always the nicest to them that I should be. This is something that I really need to change and I am very ashamed about. Philip deserves so much more praise than I give him. I fear that I don't know how to relate to him and that is why I am more calm with the girls. He does not deserve it and it is somethig that only I can change. He has such a special spirit and I am afraid that I am damaging it. I know what I need to do to change these things about me but I am just so lazy and keep puting it off. I need to pull myself out of this rut I have gotten into since I had my shunt put in. I just don't know how to push myself anymore. I haven't been reading my scriptures or praying and I know that that is majorly bringing me down.
ok so on to more brighter things. Today Tyler is turning 35. I keep teasing him that he is getting old. We have actually been celebrating it for a few days now. We had an easter egg hunt last saturday at Karols and we had a birthday cake for him. On sunday we were at my parents for conference weekend and she also gave him a birthday cake. He took yesterday off and I took him to Tucanos for dinner and then we went shopping afterwords. karol and Lee came with us. So today the kids are going to make him dinner and some sort of desert (I haven't decided yet). Robert and Jayne will also come over and celebrate with us.
All in all my life is pretty good right now. If I am unhappy I know it is my fault. I couldn't be blessed with a better husband or children and they certainly deserve better than what I have given them....but I will continue to try to do my best.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
New Me
I don't know how else to really say it other than I am soo depressed right now. I hate my body (way fat now). This disease has totally changed me inside and out. I know that alot of this is just something I need to overcome myself. I admit that I don't pray as much as I should and I don't read the scriptures as much as I should and this is part of my problem. Everyday I tell myself that I need to pray and read. So why don't I do it? I know, I know, it is all laziness on my part. I have been telling myself over and over to not eat the sugar cause when I don't I feel so much better. So why do I constantly run to it when I am having a bad day knowing exactly how I am going to feel after I eat it. So here it goes....I really am going to do it. Read my scriptures everyday, pray everyday, and try my hardest to stay away from the sugar. I need to get this weight off. I know that if I lost the weight I would also have an easier time with this shunt and how the tube is moving around in me. I am embarrassed to go out with any friends (although I do) because of the way I look. I am so greatful that I have such wonderful friends in my life without whome I would be no where today.
Life will get easier, I just have to make it happen. I really thought doing this blog would be theraputic for me but so far I haven't done to well at it. I think about it all the time but then laziness creeps in and I say I will for sure do it another day. This year I am going to work on myself the best I can. There are so many thing right now that I need to change that it does seem over whelming when I think of all of them. So I just need to start it slowly. Definitely prayers and scriptures are top on the list along with eating healthy.
Now I really have to do this and not just say I am going to do it. So that is why I am documenting it here. I never really write down goals so I am hoping that if it is on here I will be more motivated into making the changes I want to make. So....I am wishing myself good luck!
Life will get easier, I just have to make it happen. I really thought doing this blog would be theraputic for me but so far I haven't done to well at it. I think about it all the time but then laziness creeps in and I say I will for sure do it another day. This year I am going to work on myself the best I can. There are so many thing right now that I need to change that it does seem over whelming when I think of all of them. So I just need to start it slowly. Definitely prayers and scriptures are top on the list along with eating healthy.
Now I really have to do this and not just say I am going to do it. So that is why I am documenting it here. I never really write down goals so I am hoping that if it is on here I will be more motivated into making the changes I want to make. So....I am wishing myself good luck!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Philip
I must say that I am not very proud of myself when it comes to journaling. I used to be so good at it. I never let a week go by without recording my thoughts at least once a week. I have recorded happenings in my other blog but not my intimate thoughts. I do have an empty journal that has been sitting next to my bed for sometime but have done nothing with it. I am on the computer a lot so I thought I might as well just blog instead of write in a journal. This isn't a blog I wish to make totally public. This is mainly just for me to write what my thoughts are for the day. If anyone does happen to stumble upon this feel free to read on but beware it may be a bit boring. My thoughts may not always make sense and may jump around alot . This blog is a start of many things that I need to start doing to find myself again.
My family's life is recorded pretty well up until we sold our hamlet and moved in with Karol. That move was a huge life change for my little family. Little did I know that I would become a different wife and mom. Some things I am proud of and some I am not. But......I do want to record even the stuff that I am not proud of. Mainly because I have felt so much guilt about some things in my life that I think maybe just maybe I will feel a little bit better if I get it out somehow (even in a blog) and admit somethings to myself.
I have so many feelings that I am dealing with right now in my life that I don't know quite where to begin. I guess I will just start with yesterday. Tyler and I haven't had much money to put our kids into extra curricular activities. I HATE this and it's nobodys fault but mine. People tell me all the time that it is not my fault but in reality it is my fault. The medical bills eat up so much of our income. I want philip to be able to do any sport he wants. I want ellie to take violin lessons. I want Maggee to do sewing, gymnastics, and dancing. I would also love to put Lucy into some dancing and singing lessons. I have never seen a child so into dancing and singing as this little girl. I don't feel that I can tell tyler how much it hurts me not to put my kids in things they enjoy because he takes it as it is HIS fault for not making enough money. That is so far from the truth. Our family would not be where we are if it wasn't for everything he does for us. Someday, someday is what I tell myself. I just don't want my kids to be behind other kids in their achievements and talents.
Anyway back to yesterday. Philip LOVES basketball. Last week philip brought home a flyer about tryouts for basketball for boys his age. tyler and I weren't quite sure whether to let him do it or not. He wanted to sooo much. So we did let him go and give it his best shot. He went on Tuesday and Thursday from 7-9pm. And I must say that I wasn't happy about it going till 9pm when his bed time is 8:30. Each night he came home soo hyped up and excited. In the end there would be 2 teams. I honestly didn't think much about Philip not making it. Philip has a lot of talents. Most sports come very easy to him. But...we don't push it with him. He has done a few camps but that is about it. Not to mention that this is also because of me. My health has just made it so that I couldn't get my kids to the activities that they needed to be. Slowly I took each kid out of what they had been signed up for. Well they would have the results for the boys at school on monday. I found myself getting quite excited for philip to come home and find out whether or not he had made it. WE took Tyler to the dr. for his knee so philip got home before we did. We walked in the kitchen and both tyler and I right away asked if he had made it. He looked at us and just said No. My heart broke for him. He was trying to be so brave and not cry but I could see the tears he was holding back. Tyler and I told him it was no big deal. He just needed to practice a lot during the summer and try again next year.
Later last night we were all watching tv and I just sat and looked at Philip for a while. It made me start thinking back to me growing up. I had a friend that said to me that I was one of those snotty girls that would always make everything I tried out for. Basically that I would never have any trials of that kind to make me grow. I kept thinking about those words while I watched philip......and you know what.....I have always made everything I have EVER tried out for. I haven't had to go through the feelings that philip is feeling right now. My heart really does ache for him. I remember trying out for different things growing up and my mom would always tell me to not be disappointed if I didn't make it because I probably wouldn't. So here is a change I need to make. I am the hardest on Philip. I know a lot of it is because he is the oldest. But I don't want him to ever think that he can't do something. So we will work with him. Put him in basketball camps and do what we can. Hopefully he will make it next year. I would rather it be me going through the disappointment not him. He is such a good kid and I don't give him enough credit for what he really does for this family and for me especially! I love you Philip! For some reason It is hard for me to say "I love you" as much as I should. Maybe one day he will read this and understand.
Well...back to my swine fly sick kids.
My family's life is recorded pretty well up until we sold our hamlet and moved in with Karol. That move was a huge life change for my little family. Little did I know that I would become a different wife and mom. Some things I am proud of and some I am not. But......I do want to record even the stuff that I am not proud of. Mainly because I have felt so much guilt about some things in my life that I think maybe just maybe I will feel a little bit better if I get it out somehow (even in a blog) and admit somethings to myself.
I have so many feelings that I am dealing with right now in my life that I don't know quite where to begin. I guess I will just start with yesterday. Tyler and I haven't had much money to put our kids into extra curricular activities. I HATE this and it's nobodys fault but mine. People tell me all the time that it is not my fault but in reality it is my fault. The medical bills eat up so much of our income. I want philip to be able to do any sport he wants. I want ellie to take violin lessons. I want Maggee to do sewing, gymnastics, and dancing. I would also love to put Lucy into some dancing and singing lessons. I have never seen a child so into dancing and singing as this little girl. I don't feel that I can tell tyler how much it hurts me not to put my kids in things they enjoy because he takes it as it is HIS fault for not making enough money. That is so far from the truth. Our family would not be where we are if it wasn't for everything he does for us. Someday, someday is what I tell myself. I just don't want my kids to be behind other kids in their achievements and talents.
Anyway back to yesterday. Philip LOVES basketball. Last week philip brought home a flyer about tryouts for basketball for boys his age. tyler and I weren't quite sure whether to let him do it or not. He wanted to sooo much. So we did let him go and give it his best shot. He went on Tuesday and Thursday from 7-9pm. And I must say that I wasn't happy about it going till 9pm when his bed time is 8:30. Each night he came home soo hyped up and excited. In the end there would be 2 teams. I honestly didn't think much about Philip not making it. Philip has a lot of talents. Most sports come very easy to him. But...we don't push it with him. He has done a few camps but that is about it. Not to mention that this is also because of me. My health has just made it so that I couldn't get my kids to the activities that they needed to be. Slowly I took each kid out of what they had been signed up for. Well they would have the results for the boys at school on monday. I found myself getting quite excited for philip to come home and find out whether or not he had made it. WE took Tyler to the dr. for his knee so philip got home before we did. We walked in the kitchen and both tyler and I right away asked if he had made it. He looked at us and just said No. My heart broke for him. He was trying to be so brave and not cry but I could see the tears he was holding back. Tyler and I told him it was no big deal. He just needed to practice a lot during the summer and try again next year.
Later last night we were all watching tv and I just sat and looked at Philip for a while. It made me start thinking back to me growing up. I had a friend that said to me that I was one of those snotty girls that would always make everything I tried out for. Basically that I would never have any trials of that kind to make me grow. I kept thinking about those words while I watched philip......and you know what.....I have always made everything I have EVER tried out for. I haven't had to go through the feelings that philip is feeling right now. My heart really does ache for him. I remember trying out for different things growing up and my mom would always tell me to not be disappointed if I didn't make it because I probably wouldn't. So here is a change I need to make. I am the hardest on Philip. I know a lot of it is because he is the oldest. But I don't want him to ever think that he can't do something. So we will work with him. Put him in basketball camps and do what we can. Hopefully he will make it next year. I would rather it be me going through the disappointment not him. He is such a good kid and I don't give him enough credit for what he really does for this family and for me especially! I love you Philip! For some reason It is hard for me to say "I love you" as much as I should. Maybe one day he will read this and understand.
Well...back to my swine fly sick kids.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
