Philip

I must say that I am not very proud of myself when it comes to journaling. I used to be so good at it. I never let a week go by without recording my thoughts at least once a week. I have recorded happenings in my other blog but not my intimate thoughts. I do have an empty journal that has been sitting next to my bed for sometime but have done nothing with it. I am on the computer a lot so I thought I might as well just blog instead of write in a journal. This isn't a blog I wish to make totally public. This is mainly just for me to write what my thoughts are for the day. If anyone does happen to stumble upon this feel free to read on but beware it may be a bit boring. My thoughts may not always make sense and may jump around alot . This blog is a start of many things that I need to start doing to find myself again.

My family's life is recorded pretty well up until we sold our hamlet and moved in with Karol. That move was a huge life change for my little family. Little did I know that I would become a different wife and mom. Some things I am proud of and some I am not. But......I do want to record even the stuff that I am not proud of. Mainly because I have felt so much guilt about some things in my life that I think maybe just maybe I will feel a little bit better if I get it out somehow (even in a blog) and admit somethings to myself.

I have so many feelings that I am dealing with right now in my life that I don't know quite where to begin. I guess I will just start with yesterday. Tyler and I haven't had much money to put our kids into extra curricular activities. I HATE this and it's nobodys fault but mine. People tell me all the time that it is not my fault but in reality it is my fault. The medical bills eat up so much of our income. I want philip to be able to do any sport he wants. I want ellie to take violin lessons. I want Maggee to do sewing, gymnastics, and dancing. I would also love to put Lucy into some dancing and singing lessons. I have never seen a child so into dancing and singing as this little girl. I don't feel that I can tell tyler how much it hurts me not to put my kids in things they enjoy because he takes it as it is HIS fault for not making enough money. That is so far from the truth. Our family would not be where we are if it wasn't for everything he does for us. Someday, someday is what I tell myself. I just don't want my kids to be behind other kids in their achievements and talents.

Anyway back to yesterday. Philip LOVES basketball. Last week philip brought home a flyer about tryouts for basketball for boys his age. tyler and I weren't quite sure whether to let him do it or not. He wanted to sooo much. So we did let him go and give it his best shot. He went on Tuesday and Thursday from 7-9pm. And I must say that I wasn't happy about it going till 9pm when his bed time is 8:30. Each night he came home soo hyped up and excited. In the end there would be 2 teams. I honestly didn't think much about Philip not making it. Philip has a lot of talents. Most sports come very easy to him. But...we don't push it with him. He has done a few camps but that is about it. Not to mention that this is also because of me. My health has just made it so that I couldn't get my kids to the activities that they needed to be. Slowly I took each kid out of what they had been signed up for. Well they would have the results for the boys at school on monday. I found myself getting quite excited for philip to come home and find out whether or not he had made it. WE took Tyler to the dr. for his knee so philip got home before we did. We walked in the kitchen and both tyler and I right away asked if he had made it. He looked at us and just said No. My heart broke for him. He was trying to be so brave and not cry but I could see the tears he was holding back. Tyler and I told him it was no big deal. He just needed to practice a lot during the summer and try again next year.

Later last night we were all watching tv and I just sat and looked at Philip for a while. It made me start thinking back to me growing up. I had a friend that said to me that I was one of those snotty girls that would always make everything I tried out for. Basically that I would never have any trials of that kind to make me grow. I kept thinking about those words while I watched philip......and you know what.....I have always made everything I have EVER tried out for. I haven't had to go through the feelings that philip is feeling right now. My heart really does ache for him. I remember trying out for different things growing up and my mom would always tell me to not be disappointed if I didn't make it because I probably wouldn't. So here is a change I need to make. I am the hardest on Philip. I know a lot of it is because he is the oldest. But I don't want him to ever think that he can't do something. So we will work with him. Put him in basketball camps and do what we can. Hopefully he will make it next year. I would rather it be me going through the disappointment not him. He is such a good kid and I don't give him enough credit for what he really does for this family and for me especially! I love you Philip! For some reason It is hard for me to say "I love you" as much as I should. Maybe one day he will read this and understand.

Well...back to my swine fly sick kids.